SUPERNOVA*

Sunday, January 30, 2005

Eggs and Ketchup on my Walls

Someone recently told me, “Light will follow Darkness.” I was tempted to ask them when and how they were so sure. As of late I find myself waiting out the night, feeling surrounded, out numbered, at risk of losing everyone I love. This is of course an irrational fear. My friends are young and healthy, my family well kept for the moment at least, and I am in no danger lest it be dying of a broken heart.

Yet this fear has stayed with me, I thought with the weeks since the funeral it would have dissipated at least a little, yet I still find myself waking up at night in a cold sweat. Often I’m gripped by a fear so strong I have to call my mother to be sure she’s ok. I find myself clinging to her in ways I didn’t know were possible. I feel like I’m constantly looking for validation.

Night is the worst time though. I haven’t been scared of the dark since I was like nine, but I find myself leaving on lights before I go to bed now. I watch TV till I’m too tired to focus anymore and then drift off into what can’t really be called sleep… I don’t eat, I manage a few hurried bites of lunch and dinner then rush off to class or to work on a project I have due, or to find more information for my research paper.

I’ve been pushing my feeling down again, ignoring the hurt and pain. I’ve been trying not to cry again, so much so sometimes my eyes burn with tears I can’t let myself cry. Its all manifested itself in these moments of rage that I can’t control. Today I threw a plate of eggs at the kitchen wall… followed by a half hour of crying with my head in my hands.

Who is this person I’ve become, what is this thing growing inside me?

It feels like my demise.

I’m back sliding hard core, but I don’t know how to stop it, and those around me can’t even see it because Ive made plenty sure its only behind closed doors.

Oh the Drama
Oh the Angst
How I haven’t missed thee.

end

xoxo SJ at 11:08 PM.

About Me

Name ♥ Sara
Birthday ♥ o1//o2
Horoscope ♥ Aquarius
School ♥ Of Hard Knocks

Currently

Listening to ♥ Blue October Reading ♥ Reservation Blues

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♥ Wazoo Sings
♥ Chealsea Genzano
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♥ Frou Frou
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