SUPERNOVA*

Tuesday, February 08, 2005

I met with Dr. H. today. For someone old enough to be my dad he was pretty hot, though I do not say this out loud because it would be inappropriate to form sexual and or emotional feelings toward my Psychiatrist. He’s seems nice enough, he wont be as invested as Nan of course because he’ll only see me once every four or five weeks to see how I’m doing on meds and such. Woo.Hoo. It wasn’t bad… but it was awkward. The question of libido came up, that’s always weird to talk to anyone about who is remotely older or in a place of judgment. Blame it on the Catholics.

It’s the easiest thing in the world to forgive someone else, to a degree. You never look at them the same again. Like my dad? I’ve forgiven him, but sometimes I feel like I’m just waiting for him to let me down. But then doesn’t that fall under the self fulfilling prophecy thing? If I’m looking for the hurt I’m going to find it even if it’s not really there….

I don’t know what to do with happiness. I don’t know what to do with love. I don’t know anything about anything anymore. If I’m not being beaten or raped or abused or pushed down I don’t know how to react. How do you react to someone standing right in front of you telling you that nothing you can do will make them go? How do you believe that when everyone you’ve ever loved has walked out or been pushed away.

The pills... they scare me. My writing is all I have to offer anyone. If I lose it I have nothing, I am no one. What if these pills take that away? What if these mood stabilizers take all the creative passion and inspiration away? Then by the same token, what if because Im so up and down and twisted around I never do anything but wallow with half finished ideas and squashed hopes? That doesn’t sound very appealing either.

I think Im still drained from this morning’s appointment. It’s hard to talk about what Freedom did to me, about what Jason did… about bad choices and learned behaviors. Its hard to give up all those secrets to a stranger who is judging me. No one but Jay and Tara ever read this anyway so the mass internet audience doesn’t pay attention to my little introspective bullshit squawking.

Bleh! Must work on my research paper, speech, and psych senses extra credit.

xoxo SJ at 11:15 PM.

About Me

Name ♥ Sara
Birthday ♥ o1//o2
Horoscope ♥ Aquarius
School ♥ Of Hard Knocks

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