SUPERNOVA*

Tuesday, March 29, 2005

D. O. N. E.

I’m feeling a little overwhelmed at the moment. There is so much I need to be doing and so little time to get it done in. I don’t know if I’m coming or going most days anymore. It’s sort of sad actually. Everyone says I’ve changed, I don’t see how…

I have so much on my mind. Finding out about what Emmit did to Katie, finally have her come to me and say “he raped me”, having her confide and cry on my shoulder. That pain is no longer hers alone. I watched her while we were with Grandma, watched the way she drew away from people, and it broke my heart.

I couldn’t protect her, I knew something was wrong with that relationship, I knew it was too weird, but I said nothing, I did nothing, and now for the rest of her life she will harbor this hate for him and the guilt of her last words being “I fucking hate you”

She shouldn’t forgive him for his soul, she should forgive him for her own sanity, and herself while she’s at it. But as I sit here saying that, I know that I am a hypocrite. As I sit in judgment of the way Lori is raising her girls, as I sit in judgment angry at my father for forgetting my birthday, and not even sending me a card, I know that it is hypocritical. But I can’t stop myself either.

I have come to the conclusion everything I thought was good and righteous about me is really nothing more then pomp and circumstance. I am not special; I am not even particularly a good daughter or sister.

It’s almost as though I save it all up for you, you know who you are. I save my devotion and love for you and make excuses for you and defend you even when you’re wrong. When I look at it now it makes me sick, in my heart I know that you don’t love me. You never did and you never really will. I amuse you to a point and then you just turn your back on me.

I can’t hate you though, no this relationship merely makes me hate me. It makes me hate my weakness, hate my sense of self, hate everything I do or say to justify the way we are to each other and everyone around us. I tip toe around painful issues for you, testing the waters to be sure a gentle nudge wont get my head bitten off, while you say whatever you want with little thought to the way it might make anyone feel.

I am awed by your brilliance and scarred by your callous attitude toward others- save those you believe worthy.

When did I become unworthy? When did I become a nuisance, when I did become something you tolerated and put on the back burner because you knew I’d just wait for some of your time? That’s not fair.

I can only say this now because I know you’re not reading it. I know you’re to busy with your life and master plans to pay any attention to me.

What you don’t know is I’m done waiting, I’m done looking to you for anything.

I’m just done.

xoxo SJ at 11:36 PM.

About Me

Name ♥ Sara
Birthday ♥ o1//o2
Horoscope ♥ Aquarius
School ♥ Of Hard Knocks

Currently

Listening to ♥ Blue October Reading ♥ Reservation Blues

Links

♥ Vintage Vanity
♥ Myspace Vanity
♥ Vanity Fiction
♥ Profile Vanity

Playlist

♥ Wazoo Sings
♥ Chealsea Genzano
♥ Lennon Murphy
♥ Imogen Heap
♥ Frou Frou
♥ Bess Rogers
♥ Regina Spektor
♥ Will Hoge
♥ Lyden
♥ Kyte
♥ Josh Ritter
♥ Amos Lee
♥ David James