SUPERNOVA*

Monday, June 20, 2005

Feeling edgy.

I don't really know why.

I mean there isn't a reason for it I suppose... its just a feeling that seems to be occurring more frequently.

I picked up Little Alters and Divine Secrets today at the library. They're not heady, or deep, or life changing. They're not Votre, or Bacon or Locke or James. But they appeal to something deep seeded in my little black heart, something that still beats... something that wants to be a perfect Southern Lady. Something that I can't place a pragmatic finger on.

I got nostalgic today. Was rather sad really, pulled out my old paper journal, reading over the summers before, I got to thinking about Bsie, and Jay, and Laura, and all of our marvelous plans. I thought about Kath and Kirsten, Miriam and Emmy Rose... there were so many things... so many people in my life I've just... left behind... that have left me behind.

I'll always love Kirsten, and sometimes we email one another with life updates, but three years ago if you had asked I would have told you she would be my maid of honor, standing with Miriam and Annie at the end of the aisle.

Sometimes I think I'm very good at letting go of people... and even better at pushing them away, making myself really hard to love.

I never thought I would get to the point that my feelings didn't matter to Jay, I mean its not anything about her, its me. Like I'm sure because I haven't been around she just thought I wouldn't care... and maybe its not even about the site, maybe its about the fact that she just didn't include me. And that’s just stupid and selfish.

I think I’m just feeling really lonely right now. The people I've been with for the last nine months are gone, and the people that cared about me before can't be a part of this now. Shaun has a life, and it's weird when we talk anyway, Laura.... I think she told me something about a job at a resort? I haven't spoken to Kath since... before Grandma died, Aly is off being brilliant, and I'm so happy for her, Amber and I don't talk at all, or really like one another, I don’t think she's even on my AIM list anymore. Bsie is insanely busy, and well she should be because she’s an ickle teenager and should be testing the waters of the big world. I haven't spoken to Gabi in months, or Brit, I forget the last time I darkened Nialle's Internet door step (so to speak), I remember it went badly. I talk to Kate some, but she's busy having just graduated. Everyone has their own lives, and we just don't match up anymore.

I don’t think it means we love one another any less- perhaps with the exception of the way Nialle feels about me. >_<, it just means we have different lives on different paths now. It makes me sad and happy all at the same time.

I could be PSMing like a motherfucker too. That could explain a lot of the lonely/nostalgic feeling. Really the only person I have steady contact with is Patti, which is good, because without her I would feel completely useless. Something about knowing she's out there and cares, and misses me as much as I miss her makes all this a little easier.

We're going to see The Sisterhood tomorrow. I cannot WAIT. Though everyone tells me its no where near as good as the books. They said they changed Kostos too. THAT pisses me off. Anyway I should bail.... does anyone even read this rubbish?

I wonder.

xoxo SJ at 12:34 PM.

About Me

Name ♥ Sara
Birthday ♥ o1//o2
Horoscope ♥ Aquarius
School ♥ Of Hard Knocks

Currently

Listening to ♥ Blue October Reading ♥ Reservation Blues

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