SUPERNOVA*

Sunday, October 16, 2005

Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

I hada bit of a melt down today… more like a really big one actually. But since its my journal I can make it be what I want it to be.

I have spent the last week trying to understand these stupid math concepts. I still don’t. I took a break yesterday and did the rest of my homework so I could focus on this one thing, this one very important, life altering chapter. You see, if I fail THIS test, there is no way to pass my math class with more than say a C, I could handle a C, the C isn’t a big deal. In the pressure of understanding all of this, getting it done by Tuesday, and I still haven’t gotten the first section done.

I actually went back in the book and tried to re-read the chapter on solving for Y and slope intercepts.

That made me hyperventilate and burst into tears because I feel like an utter moron.

I don’t understand these things. In Biology you can hazard a best guess. I have to show my work and keep things neat in math though, this whole not being able to bullshit my way is making me sick.

I spent all this morning trying to understand these things; finally by the time mom got home I was in tears, sobbing nearly hysterically into my math notebook, proclaiming loudly that I will never graduate, ever. I will never have a job or a family or a life. EVER. It frightens me sometimes how my brain works.

Then of course mother asked the question “Well what would happen if you dropped this class and just focused on everything else.”

What would happen is that I wouldn’t graduate next summer- like I’ve been telling everyone since LAST Spring. I would be stuck at TVCC until next fall.

This of course made me cry harder.

At the moment I’m mostly cried out, but I still feel stupid. I’m so stressed that I can literally feel my brain cells shutting down. Its like my body’s way of dealing with painful things is to not deal with them. I have a TEST Tuesday and I haven’t got my homework done. I haven’t had time at all this week because I’ve been so focused on studying for Biology and Western Civ. Then I had to catch up on Othello- when I had thought I was an act ahead, I was really four scenes behind. I still haven’t finished my paper for Master Chief C, or my stupid paper on “O”. I feel like Im losing my mind, and the thing that RR told me was that if I couldn’t devote myself to Math it was better to drop it.

THAT was his wonderful advice.

And before anyone suggests that the reason Im behind is because of all the time I’ve spent on Hogwarts, that’s not it at all. I haven’t actually really written at all besides last night- after I’d spent ALL DAY working on other homework and catching up on reading. The rest of the week I’ve been too drained to do anything at all with it. Not to mention that my characters aren’t coming out or across like they’re supposed to at all.

I’m so tired of everything right now. And I’m not saying I’m the only one, but I’m about ready to freak out completely over it.

Which is scary in and of itself because if I cant handle this stupid stress how the fuck am I going to function in the real world?

xoxo SJ at 4:01 AM.

About Me

Name ♥ Sara
Birthday ♥ o1//o2
Horoscope ♥ Aquarius
School ♥ Of Hard Knocks

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