SUPERNOVA*

Sunday, December 25, 2005

Another Christmas Come and Gone

This entry might not make a lot of sense because I'm still a bit loopy from all the Good Cheer and Togetherness of the last few days. Try to keep up though I won't blame you of you can't.

So as my last entry indicates I was seriously distressed about the lack of Holiday togetherness and Christmasy feelings within the family unit this year. I knew it would be hard simply because it's the first year without Gran, and last year was spent sitting on pins and needles waiting for her to let go and cross over. Obviously THOSE aren't the best memories - though there were parts I will cherish forever.

Anyway, Aunt Carol and Mom both wanted to sleep through the Holiday but after a little meltdown on my part (I really was upset and not just crying to get my way although that does work) we decided we’d go to Jade Garden for Chinese and then back to Carol’s to make cookies and watch Christmas Movies.

Of course, my LOVELY cousin, LOVELY person that he is, decided we needed to have our “Christmas Day Lunch” for Christmas Eve Dinner since his wife wanted to spend Christmas Day with her family. Now I think her wanting to do this is perfectly logical and should not be a big deal, but I could tell the second John walked through the door he had a chip on his shoulder. He had also been drinking, which annoys me because his kidney (note ONE kidney as the other has stopped working completely) is still only functioning at like 36%- but whatever he’s a grown man it’s his body. He’s a moron. I still love him like a brother. Bastard.

Anyway he’s an ass when he drinks. Not so much to me anymore, like I think he’s scared to make me cry all the time after the hysterics I went through over Gran’s funeral arrangements, anyway he was really sweet to me but he pissed Aunt Carol off with how he was talking to the kids. I felt a little guilty really because she really just didn’t want to do anything. I know last year was hard for her, but it goes deeper too. She told me last night (after her pain killer had kicked in and she was relaxing with me) that there weren’t a lot of Holidays she could remember her brother and father not ruining with their over bearing asshole personalities. She also told me things that made me thing she still really resents Mom and Aunt Suzy because she spent so much time protecting them from that reality. It felt strange to be in that position of offering comfort to the person who always shielded me from unhappy things. Like I’ve rarely had to be in that position with her, I mean she’s the one who told me about my Dad, she’s always been honest, but she was also the person that comforted me and tried to make the painful things less painful.

I think I block out a lot of the bad Christmases, because there was a span of years when John ruined Holidays for me the way Uncle Bill did for Auntie Carol. He was just hateful and full of rage… I guess it really started right after Mike died really, that’s when he was drinking more all the time and just a jerk. However after Grandma got sick and especially this last year when he had stopped drinking completely… and I was so proud of him…

Anyway it really wasn’t bad comparatively speaking. I mean he used to say some pretty nasty shit to everyone, and it really wasn’t like that this time. I think it comes down to him being angry that things are changing. I react by crying and pulling away from everyone and he reacts by picking up a beer and being a shit head. I understand that reaction. I went through it for about six months last year. By the end of the night he’d sobered up and was being his sweet self again. He walked me out to the car and we talked about what I want to do for my twenty-first, and told me if I needed him for anything I didn’t have to wait until a Holiday to come and see them again. I think we’re both hurting for Gran right now. I think we all our in our own way really, and its sad but at the same time it makes me feel less alone.

We got back to Aunt Carols. And she and I had out little talk about Grandpa and Uncle Bill, we watched Criminal Intent, Mom gave me a stocking she made out of green paper and glitter for me. It was so sweet it had an M&M candy cane in it and coloring books and lip gloss.

After I opened my stocking the REAL fun started. Aunt Carol told me earlier that day she wouldn’t make REAL Christmas cookies because it was too messy. So I brought the fake and bake kind even though they aren’t REAL Christmas Cookies. When we were piddling around the kitchen she started popping them out of the little pre cut thingy and I SWEAR there were only two that looked anything like the shapes they were supposed to be (my sugar cookies came out better) when we put them in the oven they just didn’t seem to want to cook. So we left them for a little while longer but when we pulled them out they were hard as rocks- and the little crumb I did manage to snap off tasted like shit.

SO I frosted the sugar cookies and we didn’t touch the chocolate chip ones at all. I went to the bathroom for like a minute and when I come back there’s like icing everywhere. It was great. It also proved my point that fake and bake cookies DO TOO MAKE A MESS. Anyway, before we left this morning I stuck a note on the chocolate chip ones that said, “Santa told me to leave you these instead of coal. Obviously you were on the naughty list.”

I really am rather clever.

Anyway we came home, and the trip felt like it took a million years. When we got home I had a couple packages waiting for me from Mom. She’d gotten a really good deal on a DVD player for me, and splurged on three new movies. I was so excited when I unwrapped Chicago, Princess Bride, and the Charlie Brown Christmas Special. She also got me some really great makeup brushes.

Then I made Christmas French Toast (you use half egg nog and half milk), I even dug out Gran’s happy Christmas dishes. Then for dinner I made turkey breast and mashed potatoes.

Its not like its always been. I think I’m accepting that things won’t ever be like that again. But all in all, in the grand scheme of things, I think this was just as good- maybe better.

xoxo SJ at 10:45 PM.

About Me

Name ♥ Sara
Birthday ♥ o1//o2
Horoscope ♥ Aquarius
School ♥ Of Hard Knocks

Currently

Listening to ♥ Blue October Reading ♥ Reservation Blues

Links

♥ Vintage Vanity
♥ Myspace Vanity
♥ Vanity Fiction
♥ Profile Vanity

Playlist

♥ Wazoo Sings
♥ Chealsea Genzano
♥ Lennon Murphy
♥ Imogen Heap
♥ Frou Frou
♥ Bess Rogers
♥ Regina Spektor
♥ Will Hoge
♥ Lyden
♥ Kyte
♥ Josh Ritter
♥ Amos Lee
♥ David James