SUPERNOVA*

Tuesday, December 27, 2005

I HAVE BEEN VIOLATED

Today was awful. As a lot of you know, I had my obgyn appointment today. I can honestly say that was the single most humiliating painful experience I’ve had in a doctor’s office. My stomach is still revolting, and I’m actually still sore where they took my pap.

It started off bad simply because my doctor was a half hour behind because he was on call and had to deliver a baby- so I was waiting and waiting and waiting which is just awful but more so if you’re living in dread. When he came in we went over a few things, my sexual history all that fun stuff- which of course was awkward to talk about anyway let alone with someone old enough to be my grandfather.

I was expecting a little discomfort during the exam; I mean that’s what everyone told me. Bull SHIT. NOW I remember why I don’t like tampons or sex. It HURT, and not like a little prick your finger kind of hurt. I was squeezing my eyes so tightly shut they watered kind of hurt. He had to stop in the middle and get a smaller whatever it was he was using because it hurt so much. And I don’t care what ANYONE says- when they check your uterus they press too fucking hard. Even as I was getting dress I felt uncomfortable.

I managed to pay the bill and make it to Aunt Carol without just sobbing. Like I’d forgotten how humiliating being naked in front of anyone was, but to top it off, all he could talk about was my weight and how the only way my periods would ever be healthy and normal would be if I took it off. He didn’t even touch on the Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome/Disease. He didn’t seem to understand why I was there, Bev was supposed to fax everything over like two weeks ago when I went in for my checkup with her. They didn’t even have my labs.

So like I have no answers at all. Beyond the fact that I’m fat and need to lose weight- which I have been telling myself for years and working on since I was like ten. I mean this being fat thing is not new in my life people. I’ve been fat since I was knee high to a cockroach ok.

I am so… overwhelmed and angry right now. I’m angry with my body, I’m angry with myself for not KNOWING what I should have talked to him about…and to top it all off this break has not been long enough.

I feel like my mind is just unraveling. AND I need to call Ari. I was supposed to do it yesterday, but my cousin came into town and it was all a mess and then today I had the gyno appointment from hell and spent an hour crying stupid helpless tears because I’m feeling so vile and wretched on Aunt Carol’s couch.

She really is wonderful to me you know. She got out of the tub to come comfort me and gave me her last chocolate and molasses cookie Carolyn made her. It’s funny how much of a child I can revert back to being when she’s close. Like I curled up on the couch with my head in her lap for an hour, but I couldn’t tell my mom everything that had happened or why I felt so awful. Sometimes I think I make Mom feel really helpless and useless because I run to Aunt Carol. I can’t help it… the reality is I know my Auntie is more reliable. I know that I can fall apart without her freaking out. I know that I don’t have to stay strong to keep her strong.

I don’t know when it started, but I realized on the ride home how much I internalize to protect mom. When things were bad with school, I talked to Ari. When things were bad with S. or N. I’d talk to Hope or Kadie or Ari. I don’t go to my mother anymore for anything. I don’t have a concrete reason why either… I mean I can’t pin point when it started for me, but I know that it’s been that way for at least the last year, at least since Grandma died. I think that was the final straw that told me I couldn’t count on her anymore.

That’s probably unfair, but it’s probably really the truth.

Anyway, I am very tired and feeling very icky so I am going to go lay down and watch About A Boy

xoxo SJ at 11:41 PM.

About Me

Name ♥ Sara
Birthday ♥ o1//o2
Horoscope ♥ Aquarius
School ♥ Of Hard Knocks

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