SUPERNOVA*

Wednesday, May 31, 2006

So, about my life altering events.

Mom got the job. Actually the Maternal unit got the job exactly 24 hours after she got back and about two hours after they saw their last applicant.

She leaves sometime between Mid-July and Mid-August.

Goodie.

As such, I have decided it is time to start a new blog located here: Vintage Vanity

xoxo SJ at 12:15 PM.

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

An Actual Update? Good Lord!

Well, not a super long update. I don't have anything super interesting to say. I got my Math Test from Monday back today and got an 82, but because there were so many people that just didn't show up to take it, he's awarding us half the points we missed, sort of a bonus for those of us who do what we're actually supposed to. Anyway, that means that my 82 will actually go down as a 90 in the gradebook.

I tried to plan my schedual today, but everything is so up in the air right now. I couldn't even really think about it.

In the biggest news, Mom has a job interview with the one room school house at Plushe on the 20th of next month. If Jodie won't go with her I'll probably end up going, but thats alright because we'll be back Sunday and yea. I need a little break. Everyone is getting on my nerves.

Actually, its not so much they're getting on my nerves as I'm feeling a little overwhealmed. I have a paper due Friday that I can't seem to get out, I have another test thursday, I had two tests Monday. A week ago I was ahead of everything now Im helplessly behind. I haven't even started reading Cold Sassy Tree yet.

xoxo SJ at 12:12 PM.

Friday, April 07, 2006

41 Questions

1. Have you ever been searched by the cops?
No, thank God.

2. Do you close your eyes on roller coasters?
I hate Rollercoasters. Fat girl complex. ‘Nough said.

3. When's the last time you've been sledding?
I was.... seven. We’d had a really snowy winter and the plows ended up making this huge pile right outside the house. We spent all Christmas break or whatever honing it down to the perfect sled “hill” (we were little so it was maybe five feet high?), I always had to have Riley go down with me because I was chicken shit as a kid.

4. Would you rather sleep with someone else, or alone?
I hate sleeping alone. I don’t know why, but I feel safer with someone next to me.

5. Do you believe in ghosts?
Of course. That’s a silly question.

6. Do you think your creative?
I think I am, but lately the muses haven’t been smiling- or they have but mostly in the creative way that I choose to lie to myself about myself. Heh. Brilliant at that.

7. Do you think O.J. killed his wife?
Yea, just like Robert Blake.

8. Jennifer Aniston or Angelina Jolie?
Jennifer Aniston actually sort of bugs me. I don’t know why, but there is something in her voice that makes me want to like...punch her. Heh. However, Angelina Jolie is not aging well, I do love her attitude though. She has a way about her..

10. Do you know how to play poker?
Of course I do. It was the only thing useful my Dad ever taught me.

11. Have you ever been awake for 48 hours straight?
Oh the pain of it all. Yea, actually I’ve go about 72, but that was really unhealthy and I crashed hardfore for about two days after.

12. What's your favorite commercial?
I like the Gecko Geico, nerdy I know, but it’s cute.

13. Who was your first TRUE love?
I don’t believe in true love. All love is true in one form or another. Though the first person I ever thought I would lay down and die for was Clare. *gag* We all know how well that went over.

14. If you're driving in the middle of the night, and no one is around you, do you run a red light?
You know, they’ve installed camera on all our stoplights I think? So yea that would be a no.
.
15. Do you have a secret that no one knows but you?
I think every person does. I think a lot of the time we’re not even conscience of it. Like it’s not something you’re *trying* to keep secret, its just something you don’t share.

16. Boston Red Sox or New York Yankees?
Ha, Bryan asked me this the other night. I have to say Yankees, though I’m really more of a White Sox girl, or the Seattle Mariners.

17. Have you ever been Ice Skating?
Again, fat girl complex. We’ve only had a “Local” (meaning an hour away in Boise) Rink for about four years anyway. I used to want to be an ice skater.

18. How often do you remember your dreams?
I remember more the feel of the dream, like if I have a nightmare I have the gibblies all day.

19. When was the last time you laughed so hard you cried?
The other night on the phone with Bryan actually. I couldn’t stop laughing... and I don’t even remember what he said.

20. Can you name 5 songs by The Beatles?
Let it Be, Hey Jude, I Wanna Hold Your Hand, Ob-la-di, Ob-la-da, Across the Universe

21. What's the one thing on your mind?
“Must-get-Marques-questions-done-must-do-Math-Practice-test-Can’t-forget-to-call-Erin-make-appointment-with-Gill-on-Monday-have-to-read-two-chapters-for-Hampshire-answer-Anthro-questions-read-up-on-lingistics-can‘t-forget-laundry” see, its hyphonated so it counts as one thought. Sometimes I think I’m ADD heh.

22. Do you believe in love at first sight?
No, I think you can want someone the first second you see them, but I’ve leanred, after MANY failed relationships, real love is about loving the imperfections, and you really can’t see those the moment you lock eyes with someone.

23. Do you know who Ba-Ba-Booey is?
Your mom.

24. Do you always wear your seat belt?
It depends on who I’m with.

25. What talent do you wish you had?
I wish I could be musical... or a great artist... or an Actress...or... the list goes on for quite a wile. Right now I wish I was really talented with math.

26. Do you like Sushi?
Pass the Spring Rolls please?

27. Have you ever narrowly avoided a fatal accident?
No, though I’ve been with Kadie and Charity when they have. Scary shit.

28. What do you wear to bed?
Depending on the day, either PJs or whatever I happen to be wearing when I fall into bed.

29. Been caught stealing?
No. i never had the balls to do it.

30. Does size matter?
According to Sue Johanson it doesn’t.

31. Do you truly hate anyone?
Ach, I wouldn’t be Buddha’s angry daughter if I didn’t hate a few people. Actually, I shouldn’t say that, the only person I am really capable of completely hating is myself (which, really, should be the last person Im capable of hating, but it’s a fact). I don’t always like other people, and I can hate things they do, but despite my cynical jaded facade, I can usually find one or two redeeming qualities in someone.

32. Rap or Rock?
Hmm... It depends, but never “Rap Rock” or “Metal Rap”. I like more indie underground spin masters than mainstream hip hopsters. (Though I love the song “It's Hard Out Here for a Pimp”

33. If you could sleep with one famous person, who would it be?
Johnny Depp, David James (Indie Artist), Josh Ritter, or Mathew Mcconaughey

34. Do you know anyone in jail?
Yes.. I know a few more who should be too.

35. Have you ever sang in front of the mirror like your favorite singer?
Heh, yea. I‘ve been caught once or twice too. .

37. What food do you find disgusting?
Bologna, Steamed Brussel Sprouts, Squid.

38. Did you ever play, "I'll show you mine, if you show me yours"?
I don’t want to talk about it. Heh.

39. Have you ever made fun of your friends behind their back?
I never say anything I haven’t already said to their face. If I happen to say it and they’re not there, then generally I tell them later.

40. Have you ever stood up for someone you hardly knew?
Yea. I used to be a total busy body/

41. Have you ever been punched in the face?
More often than I care to count.

xoxo SJ at 4:10 PM.

Monday, April 03, 2006

The White Knight

As children we often regard our parents as Mythic Heroes (or villains, as the case may be). As a child with an overactive imagination I was no different; I thought my Daddy was the single most amazing man on Earth. I thought he was tall, dark, handsome, and above all else strong. This image was easy to cultivate because the most I really knew of him in those years was as a disembodied “Holiday” voice and the occasional visits when he was in the area. Obviously I was one of those children, the ever growing crop of babies from broken homes. I wouldn’t know just how broken until I was well out of childhood and on my way to becoming the dysfunctional (and slightly cynical) adult I am now.

Back in the day, when I was known for wearing tiaras and tap shoes to Preschool, I just knew my daddy was the greatest man in the universe. It didn’t matter that other daddies were home every night. It didn’t matter that other daddies actually tucked their babies in. It didn’t matter that other daddies came to tee ball games and ice cream socials and sat through two hour long masses with their families. No, my daddy was better than them all because I was his little princess and absolutely perfect, right down to my little frilly bobby socks.

It never occurred to me that things were hard on my mom, that she hated working two jobs and going to school full time to get her degree in Elementary Ed. She was the sort of mother who, no matter how her day had been, was more than willing to play dollies until bedtime. When you’re a six year old, and a princess to boot, it doesn’t enter into your thinking that any of these things might be strenuous, that perhaps the happy smiles and polite conversation that passes between adults is really chalk full of never ending bitter resentment.

If you ask my Auntie Carol, the problem actually started when I learned to talk. Until the moment I could string together more articulate sentences than my father, he was a pretty amazing dad, at least in the way children measure. We don’t notice things like the fine dusting of white powder and the rolled up twenty on the kitchen table. We don’t register that when Daddy is home to play every day, that actually means he isn’t working and that means food and money are scarce. The moment you when you finally start to notice, the moment you can register that chaos and craziness; the image of your “perfect” Daddy dies, and with it goes that last shred of childlike innocence.
The image finally shattered completely when I was just fifteen. I think in retrospect it had been coming for a long time. However, the first time I really lashed out, that I really said, “It’s your fault we were never a family. It’s your fault I binge, purge, and bleed,” was the night of my sixteenth birthday. I was nineteen before I knew all of the details, before the ugliness of that time could soak into me, but from this one man, this one fantasy, a million epiphanies have sprung forth.

I learned (the hard way) no matter how much someone loves you; sometimes they can’t help but let you down. I learned that while approval from the parental units is nice, it can’t take place of the validation and power loving yourself first gives you. Most importantly though, I learned that there are no mythic heroes, there are no white knights, and real love comes not from being with the “ideal”, but by seeing (and accepting) imperfect people perfectly. You come to real love and happiness by loving someone not despite their faults, but because of them. I’ve also learned; sometimes all of this is a lot harder than it sounds.

xoxo SJ at 10:33 PM.

Thursday, March 30, 2006

BRATT Diet

Alrighty, so we're only four days into the term and already my body is rejecting me. I don't know what my problem is but no matter what I eat I end up with heartburn strong enough to kill a horse. Actually, its a bit like a gallbladder attack most nights, burning clear across my back. I think it has to do with stress since I've been trying to eat better. Since obviously that hasn't helped, we're going to the BRATT diet- Bannanas, Rice, Applesauce, Toast, and Tea.

All of that aside, I'm not really miserable yet this term. I like all of my professors, and thus far reading as been super easy.

The schedule is more tedious than anything Monday and Wednesday I have Gill from 9-10 and Math from 10-11. Then I hang out till three when I can catch a ride home with Erin.

Tuesday and Thursday I have Math from 10-11, then nothing until History from 3-4:30, then from 5-6:30 I have Cultural Anthropology.

Fridays are my easy day because I only have Gill, but I’m also stuck on campus from 10-3 waiting for a ride home.

Lots of time to study since no one seems to have any breaks besides me. Which will be good I suppose. I dunno. I’m really sick of school. However, I know that quitting is not an option. Failing is not an option. I might have been able to fuck about after I quit High School, I might have let myself lose nearly three years of my life just laying on my mother’s couch and doing things to set me further back. I don’t have that option anymore. I’m not 15. I am 21 and that means I have to be a grown up (which is just fucking lame, but a fact of life).

Other than that, not a lot is going on. Working on my novel some, reading a lot, trying to figure out if I really want to go into publishing or… just really what I want to do with my life. I honestly, at this point, don’t know. Or I know, but I don’t know how to take what I want to do and make it what I’m paid to do.

I’m also working on making some really important health decisions. I know that I’ve dabbled in researching weight loss surgery before, but it’s become painfully clear in the last three months that it doesn’t matter how I change how I eat, or what I force myself to do, this is not something I can do on my own.

Now it’s a matter of getting to the place that I don’t care what people say about my choice… because really, until they’ve lived in this skin and done the things I’ve done to myself, they really have no room to judge or talk. I am tired of feeling like I have to justify myself, so I’m not going to anymore. Not to anyone. I know this attitude may be a bit hard for some people to take but at this point I can honestly say I know if I don’t do this I will die before I’m thirty… and I think maybe I’m finally angry and disgusted enough at myself to actually go through it.

Anyway, I need to finish up my section of math homework so I can get a jump start on the next one.

Peace, Love, and Chicken Grease
-Sara

xoxo SJ at 12:05 PM.

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

Heh

Arena

(known to self and others)

accepting, clever, witty

Blind Spot

(known only to others)

able, bold, brave, caring, complex, confident, dependable, friendly, happy, independent, ingenious, knowledgeable, logical, loving, mature, observant, organised, patient, searching, sentimental, trustworthy

Façade

(known only to self)

adaptable, self-conscious, sympathetic

Unknown

(known to nobody)

calm, cheerful, dignified, energetic, extroverted, giving, helpful, idealistic, intelligent, introverted, kind, modest, nervous, powerful, proud, quiet, reflective, relaxed, religious, responsive, self-assertive, sensible, shy, silly, spontaneous, tense, warm, wise

Dominant Traits

66% of people agree that starlitvanity is witty

All Percentages

able (16%) accepting (33%) adaptable (0%) bold (16%) brave (16%) calm (0%) caring (50%) cheerful (0%) clever (33%) complex (16%) confident (33%) dependable (33%) dignified (0%) energetic (0%) extroverted (0%) friendly (16%) giving (0%) happy (16%) helpful (0%) idealistic (0%) independent (16%) ingenious (16%) intelligent (0%) introverted (0%) kind (0%) knowledgeable (16%) logical (16%) loving (16%) mature (16%) modest (0%) nervous (0%) observant (16%) organised (16%) patient (16%) powerful (0%) proud (0%) quiet (0%) reflective (0%) relaxed (0%) religious (0%) responsive (0%) searching (33%) self-assertive (0%) self-conscious (0%) sensible (0%) sentimental (16%) shy (0%) silly (0%) spontaneous (0%) sympathetic (0%) tense (0%) trustworthy (33%) warm (0%) wise (0%) witty (66%)

Created by the Interactive Johari Window on 3.7.2006, using data from 6 respondents.
You can make your own Johari Window, or view starlitvanity's full data.

xoxo SJ at 11:49 PM.

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Wow...

Oh. My. EEKING. Gawd.

So I know it's been forever since I wrote an entry. My computer is a piece of crapola and my connection at home is touch and go most nights at best. Which is really irritating. Seriously.

Anyway, I am at school now (after missing nearly five days of classes due to lack of transportation). Kadie was sweet enough to pick me up because she rocks like that. Anyway I get in the car and make some joke about it being a long week and its only Tuesday. Then she's like "Oh, so is now not a good time to tell you I got engaged"

HA.

I must say, if this is what she wants than I am totally happy for her. Personally I think they're young but Jake knows he has a good one and doesnt want her to get away. Har. Anyway I have nothing else to say because life is crap and I STILL haven't heard from Portland.

xoxo SJ at 7:47 PM.

About Me

Name ♥ Sara
Birthday ♥ o1//o2
Horoscope ♥ Aquarius
School ♥ Of Hard Knocks

Currently

Listening to ♥ Blue October Reading ♥ Reservation Blues

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